Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Raya. Some bitter. Some sweet. Some heart-wrenching. Some heart-warming.
Smiles. Frown. Ignorance.
Lets just wish for better times ahead.
blistered feet, please hurry heal..
I guess this is just not the beautiful mistake i wished for... ;
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I find it kind of funny.
I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the BEST I ever had.
At times like this - when Im alone, just me and the radio- I really feel like breaking down and let it all out. When it is just me, it feels really nice to be honest with myself. I know that my smiles and laughters are fake. A show/mask that i put on to make myself look normal. Could it be PMS? I don't know. Maybe I am being a spoilt brat who can't take abit of pressure. Maybe I really just can no longer cope. My friends told me to jiayou or hang in there or cheer up. It just sometimes feel as if it is not enough. I just cannot propel myself forward anymore.
I try hard to play mind games with myself. They say it is mind over matter. So i tried. Encouraging myself, threathening myself, scaring myself with the worst case scenarios- what if i fail A levels. But somehow, there is this little nagging voice at the back of my head, asking me: Who am i trying to kid? I will always end up listening to that more convincing voice.
I'm dying. I'm tired of paper chasing. I feel as though I'm soul-less. Just an empty shell. My friends, they don't understand. I never really expected them to. I really wish that I will be convinced enough that maybe they do understand. It feels as if this problem, this weight anchored around my ankles, is holding back only me. It feels as if no one else in this world ever had the same problem as me. It feels like I'm the only useless bum that is who is never able to rid this weight off me.
This problem of mine aint just about exam stress, sadly. I just wish that my mum understands enough about this world to demand lesser sacrifice from me. Why can my friends handle their problems way better than how i handled mine? Surely, my problems are not that mush worst than theirs..
Mum, can't you see that I'm hiding behind the tears of a clown? Mum, can't you sense that I'm tormented enough? Mum, can you please stop stretching me thin? I know I've to fight this battle too but I cant hold the fort and advance all on my own. You can't be taking a break now. Not this year at least Mum. People think I'm doing well. I got into a JC without any tuition or any help from any family members. What they do not understand is that A levels demands more out of me. The least they could do is support me instead of expecting too much out of me. Juanita is afraid of disappointment. She do not mind being disappointed alone but she cannot bear disappointing others too.
I'm really tired. I really can't pull myself up to walk again. I can barely stand. Is there something wrong with me? Surely, I'm doing something wrong. Something that is done so wrong till I can no longer cope with my problems. I feel like a useless snail. I'm just not making any progress. I feel very very small. Have I reach my limit? Surely, there isn't any limit to a human's capacity to do well, right? Or is there? Have I reached it and can not go any further?
Before you start criticising me for just sitting here lamenting on my incompetence, just so you know, I can't correct a mistake that I'm unable to pinpoint. I know it is of no use to sit here in front of the screen and keyboard, typing aggresively while holding back the tears, complaining and whining about my problems and not do anything about it. Truth is, I really do not know what to do. In a way, I'm lucky that my blog have very few- and i really mean few- visitors. Lesser people will realise that I'm a useless bum who goes mopping around in the cyber world.
What shall i do?
Death is not really the solution. It is a coward's way out. And the dreams in which I'm dying are much better than the nightmares that I'm failing and falling so badly that all the King's horses and all the King's men can't put humpty dumpty together again.
I wish you were here with open arms
that i can run into as if your warm embrace
can prevent me from hurt. As if your strong
arms can hold all the pieces of me together
again. But now, that arms are busy soothing
someone else's pain while i stand and watch.
Eyes filled with envy. Heart writhing in pain.
Yet, those arms that used to carry, love and
caress me, remains closed to me forever.
I wish you were still here by my side
telling me all the words that will mend
a broken heart. If I had done certain things
differently, maybe then you would be here
to tell me everything will be alright.
I guess this is just not the beautiful mistake i wished for... ;
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Im doing late night studying now. Who loves studying right? Am abit more clear of hydro now thanks to rachel tan. Now, Juanita is in a study frenzy. She is trying oh so hard to multi task. Be it blog, chat on msn, studying geography, researching for portrait's background. Haha. Tried to search about rock properties too but attempt was proven futile because I'm lazy to sift through all those websites to get the info that i really want that is not found in the notes. The table, as big as a 3 seater sofa is piled high with my notes. and its only geog, and bio and a few copies of Broader Perspective. Talking about Broader Perspective.... I just found out that i lost my double issue january and february copy!! that will cost me $11.. thank you very much. One issue is $5.50.. Though i'm sure i paid lesser than that. haha. I suck at math and im not gonna try killing more brain cells trying to solve how much it costs me to lose that double issue copy.
PLEASE ANYONE WHO CAME ACROSS A BROADER PERSPECTIVE DOUBLE ISSUE WITH LOTS OF COlOURED HIGHLIGHTS AND UNDERLINES, PLEASE RETURN IT TO ME. Think i lost it in LT4 this afternoon around 1430hr.
Now that that is done, i feel... not at all comforted. sigh.. What am i gonna do with me? Sigh. Prelims starts in 3 days time. N i completely have not gotten my schedule into my head. Still thinks Geog and bio are on the same day when bio is with GP.. And other than that, i don't know what papers i have on what days. I know Bio paper 1 is the last paper on the thursdays of the 3rd week of prelims.. 4th sept i tink... sigh.. I've not been a good girl recently.
Did i tell you that i have only been doing Geog this past few weeks.. And im still not done with Atmosphere.. Giddy now.. Can't afford to think of prom or anything that could happen after As.. Got to keep my head in the game. Except..... I dont really know how to... and i lack the sdsm to do so too.. SDSM for those who are ignorant- and i say ignorance is bliss- stands for Self- Discipline and Self- Motivation. Something JJ- no. not Juanita Jamari but Jurong Junior College- tried unsuccessfully to plant in me. yeah, i see the benefits. But i'm just so unwilling psychologically to succumb to my College's values.. An act of defiance i guess.. Defiance against me, myself and I; the College; idealistic values. I'm not sure.. Truthfully, i was, am and i guess will never be sure. How would you know that the chair is a chair unless someone tells you its a chair? How does that person know that the thing is a chair and not something else? It wouldn't be a chair unless someone once first called it a "chair" and it's identity as a furniture gets passed down through the word of the mouth. Then how can you be so sure that what is passed down is correct and is not distorted like what usually happens when you play the game "broken telephone"? Its like trying to find the answer to the question: Which came first? Egg or chicken? Believers of christianity probably say the chicken because Noah-is it?- got a pair of each animal on board the Noah's ark. For me- im definitely not a christian- im uncertain. And i hate it when im unable to find the definite answer to things.
Have you ever had dreams or wishes such as your dream house, dream car or your prince charming? Only to realise that no matter how hard you try, your dreams will only be a dream so high up in the clouds that is unattainable. Then, it happens immediately after realisation- the pain that tears your heart from the inside- rippled through your chest. The pain is so unbearable that you feel like curling up into a ball clutching your chest as if you can protect your heart from any other pain that is coming towards you. To me, that is disappoinment - the realisation that my dreams will never ever come true no matter how hard i try. I will always be trapped on earth, buried neck deep with my family, ill fortune and bad luck. No one will notice me. I will never succeed. I will never get what i dreamt for all my life. I will only get to taste disappointment. And Boy! It surely doesn't taste like sugar. I will feel it over and over again till my hour on this stage is up.
I guess this is just not the beautiful mistake i wished for... ;
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The Unknown Citizen - W. H. Auden (To JS/07 M 378 This Marble Monument Is Erected by the State)
He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health-card shows he was once in hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Instalment Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A phonograph, a radio, a car and a frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for the time of year;
When there was peace, he was for peace: when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his generation.
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.
We are just merely digits in this world; in this life, "added five children to the population". The subject of this poem is unknown. He is just someone whose records are with the "Bureau of Statistics". Sad isn't it? The poem itself is like a report or news commentary with no emotional slant whatsoever. Just like a string of words and numbers and organisations to describe the man. We do not get personalised with the subject. It is just the superficial and technical aspects of him that we are reading about. Just one big stanza brings the feeling of formality. In a way, it is true for us too isn't it? Who are we? To the state, we could just be a digit. A number that the state have to keep records on. Are we just identified just by what policies we take out, how many kids we give birth to, and where we worked? OR should there be more? Surely we are not flat characters in this story. Surely there's more to our identity.. But what is it? What is mine? sigh. How i wish someone can give me the answer. My brain hurts thinking so much about what makes me, me. And it is always much better to see yourself from someone else's point of view right?
Another poem i love :
Richard Cory by Edwin Arlington Robinson
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean-favoured and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good Morning!" and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich, yes, richer than a king,
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine -- we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked and waited for the light,
And went without the meat and cursed the bread,
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet in his head.
What i like about this poem is the way the poet wrote it in such a way that it sounded like a nursery rhyme. It has a very steady, light catchy rhythm only to shock us with the last line of the last stanza, "Went home and put a bullet in his head.". Richard Cory was just a "He" while the persona is a "We"- such distinction between the subject and the persona shows that Richard Cory isn't just about anyone. He is not accepted by the common folks as one of them, "He was a gentleman from sole to crown, / Clean-favoured and imperially slim. " Richard Cory's identity was much misinterpreted by "people on the pavement". The people had such superficial impression of Richard Cory. Again, like the previous poem, we, the readers are not acquainted with the personal side of the subject. The readers are kept in such suspense. We are given the impression that although Richard Cory is someone who people idolises, he is not accepted as a part of the community. In both poems, the readers are left to guess, ponder and wonder about the identity of subject other than the superficial ones posed to us in the poem.
It is sad, isnt it. That we go around with a mask on that noone cares enough to remove. We pretend to like the gifts given. We pretend we enjoyed company when you just wanna be alone. We pretend to be patriotic on national day. We pretend that our problems will never get us down. Yet, none wants to break away from this routined socially accepted behaviours. Probably because we do not want to be outcasted like those who are frank, honest with themselves and dared to be different.
I want to write as beautifully.
Except im not as gifted as them.
I'm just ordinary. Am and will
always be. Just plain ordinary.
I guess this is just not the beautiful mistake i wished for... ;
Saturday, June 27, 2009
"Please Cheer Up"
Put that as my PM today. Honey is feeling upset. I knew no words to ease her pain except for those 3 cliche overused words. As the hour goes by, i begin to wonder who exactly am i referring to when i type in those 3 words. Is it really for Honey to see? Or is it directed to myself?
I feel so terrible inside. I feel as though im surrounded by bleak emptiness. Just mountains of papers, notes and books in the in trays while the out trays are left empty. The feeling of being bogged down by so many work is terrible! I have been running away these past few weeks. Or even months! But now, there is no more running in circles. Im faced with hard cold reality. No its not cold hard cash- now that will be excellent! But nope. Im still idling here while the time tick on. Just staring into space and indulging myself in the sounds of silence. Yet, in the back of my mind, im aware of the time wasting away. Im still aware that Im doomed to failure if i continue what im doing now. Despite these awareness, Im still not budging from my current stance.
It is A levels year. It is approaching fast now. I wish there isnt any holiday. Then, my engine will still keep puffing. But now, it had stopped and rusting away. I need my clique! They will always spur me to work. Just a little chat with them will force me to move. Where are y'all now? Mugging? Finished mugging and enjoying the fresh air? I thought so.
Im dying.
I just feel like dropping everything. I just do not want to go ahead with the year and face the exams. I'm still wondering why do i take the JC route. I'm still wondering why did i ever get myself into this shit hole. Im just wondering... will all this end once A levels are over? Will i finally be liberated from sufferings? Why do i ask questions that the answers i already knew. Suffering is a bottomless pitfall. It just goes on and on and on and on....
I can no longer breathe.
Once "A"s are over, there will be uni-that is if i ever get in. More exams. More stress. More money. No uni- repeat, then i will have to face this torment again. On top of that, there's always the social stigma and the embarrassment to face my friends who have made it. Life makes a fool out of me. Like flies are to wanton boys, so are we to the Gods.
My head is throbbing.
All of these are just making me feel so sick. Very sick. Its nauseating. I feel so disgusted with myself. For being so useless. For being so weak. For being so unlucky. Success is 99% perspiration and 1 % luck. Luck is when opportunity meets potential. I have worked so hard to get myself this far. I need that "luck" now to pull me through. Without luck, all these efforts have gone to waste.
The room is spinning.
The best part of it all is that im being attacked in all aspects of life. Social... Financial... Academia... Political... You name it, I got it! Im trying hard to find the calm center in this whole turmoil. The verb i use is "trying". It means, i still have not achieved what i wish for. Wishing is a very weak thing to do. You can wish all you want. Upon a cake or a shooting star or a well. Likelihood of it ever becoming true is very very close to zilch. Again, you need luck. Which is seriously wad im lacking in. I didnt choose to be bogged down by all this dilemmas and heartaches and headaches. It was just served to me in cold hard plate of reality- not even on a silver platter- I was seriously am not basking in luxury when im given this piece of Fate. I am not self-pitying neither am i being a self-matyr nor am i begging for attention. I just hope, wish, pray that one day, i will be able to die happily and peacefully. And i truly, fully, honestly hope that peace and happiness come quick. I do not think i will last much longer.
I. Am. Dead.
I guess this is just not the beautiful mistake i wished for... ;
Friday, June 05, 2009
to be brutally honest, im too lazy to blog. wads the point rite?
Anyway, my bdae yesterday was super fun!
thanks to my friends!!
haha
The morning starts out so sian-ing. received juang's sms that im under arrest aft 3pm. lol in the train. had 4 hrs of econs lect. Mel gave me a cute green bear! haha then had quick lunch from KFC. then had 2 hrs of lit. Here cums the fun part. i was feeling rebellious maybe. cocky maybe and wanted to rebutt mr wangyal again and again. And i got my retribution. The chair i was sitting on broke! hahaha!!! i guz im just too fat alrdy.. hahaha ok.. wen lesson's over, i was so relieved! then the class sang me bdae song! haha.. so shocked.
then my clique gave me a very pretty and extraordinary card. loved it! then went JP with most of big clique. An, Juang, Mel, Tiff, Gen, Yen, Suan, Sangeek n Yukai. They bought me a pair of everlast shoes wic i love lots. then we went to eat at swensens. Yukai n mel had a brief rendevouz. hiding behind the menu whisper whisper whisper. Then wen the lady came to take orders, she asked 4 our ez-link cards. cuz we ordered the student happy hour. ok we obliged. Yen dared me to stand under the ligh alone to take a pic. i was embarrased. felt so AA. then while we were eaing n chatting away happily, a sundae with a candle came to our table for me wic is on the hse 4 my bdae! i was dam shocked! i swear i didnt hv a clue. so dats wads the rendevouz was abt! when the sundae came, clique starting singing bdae song out loud. Ppl were staring!! OMG!! 2nd time i was shocked! i felt so touched n blessed to have such thoughtful frens actually. but i felt so AA.. haha. but i admit i was shocked and very happy! haha took a photo, had the photo printed out for me by the restaurant. :D
then went shopping ard n my small clique bought me socks to go with the shoes! haha
i feel so bad actually. make them buy alot for me. :(
reached sis's hm at 9pm. sis threw powder at me n water into my shirt even b4 i put my bag down. thanks sis!
yup yup.. basically dats abt it. :)
great day! haha
n through out i kept tinking, im so fortunate to have my birth celebrated with my close frens! :)
THanks alot guy and girls!! LOVe ya lots!!!
I guess this is just not the beautiful mistake i wished for... ;
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
its been a super long time since i blog.
:/
deliberating whether i should delete it.
I guess this is just not the beautiful mistake i wished for... ;
